Mitch.

So, reading Eric's comment on Stepanie's blog made me want to hear some of Mitch's jokes. Yeah, I'm just gonna pick a few of my favs::
-I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "****, that ****** eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smell like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
-You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "no?"
-An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
-The flap on the inside of the vending machine is a great invention. Before that it was tough times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one....and every one on the bottom row!"
-I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
-I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
-I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill. (okay, this one is 10 times funnier when he actually said it).
-My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said, "No, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."
-I wrote a letter to my dad — I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really". But I still wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad — there's a lot of **** you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad."
-I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? Zipp. "**** you."
-My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, hold on fellas, lemme aprehend one of yous... and feed you a leaf."
--Okay, my all-time favorite::
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You ******* are selfish... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufranes.